Why am I still fucking single?

I posted this question in a group page. This is what happened.

* couldn’t find an exact copy of myself in another person

* it would be selfish of me to share myself to only one person

*Laurice Abadia (posted full name at her request): because Channing Tatum remains married. And still haven’t met me yet.

*because you ignore those who want you, and those you want ignore you.

*because singles are as relevant to the economy as to a stripper

*coz my prince charming lives in a cover of a magazine! Dang!

* because you have been a total pussy all this time and you keep denying it. Or you’re having so much fun that you don’t see why you should waste your time on some random dude. Or you’re watching too many cats on the internet.

*because all the hunks thought you prefer sexy babes than ending up with them

* because you look like a boy

* because I secretly like girls, and damn, I want to keep it a secret

* because it is illegal to marry my hand

* because ps4 is a cold-hearted bitch

* because you haven’t met someone as crazy, witty, and smart as you. not to mention taller than you

* I am too beautiful and men/women are intimidated by my looks

* coz im so stupid to make the biggest mistake of my life – falling in love with my best friend! –jolens

* because you act so gay that men thought you’re a male trapped in a hot, sexy, female body – the nutcracker

*I love the “can’t marry his hand!” I will lend mine!

* because I’m too hot for a metal ring to fit in! It’ll surely melt!

* because you are secretly waiting for someone and you are not just ready to admit it

* because you are too heavy to carry for the standing position

* coz I want to be a world record holder: the world’s MOST single! – hapeeloner

*Joust and swordfight isn’t my forte

* I’m just picky, and I don’t like pinky

* cause I wear a pink blouse neon green leggings, and brown boots all the time

* because you don’t want to share your bacon

* my career as a pokemon master comes first

* because you haven’t moved on from your previous relationship. Boom. My work here is done.

* because I don’t want to mingle

* because dating is expensive – in short, I’m broke

* C-coz I’m awesome! And being single is awesome, and cat videos are awesome!

* let’s make that into a shirt – Single, don’t wanna mingle

Writer’s note: I wash my hands of this foreseeable eyesore 😀

* MONEY first before dating status

* coz you’re more macho than the men you date

* You are the epitome of harmony..the balanced yin and yang inside the human body and you attained self-actualization without having the 4 needs

* most men always is in awe of you that before they can deliver pick-up lines, in 10 seconds of stare, they get their keisselbach’s plexus broken..what did they see..that damn, hot, spring season Body Art model..vavavoom

Writer’s note: a bit of a back story on this one. Might write a post one day.

* Amen

* that sexy, gorgeous, eyecandy turns out deadly.. walking euphoric hemorrhagic shock

Writer’s note: yep, same person who contributed the yin-yang and keisselbach’s plexus comment. Yeeeeep. Ok, moving on!

* because you’re still in love with your ex? True?

Writer’s note: I am not.

*Ms.Dontskipthebutterflies, the contributors to your first blog entry all deserve a very witty (and a little damning) backstory. I’m sure you can come up with an engaging and amusing article. It’s just too bad you’re still single. What a waste of vajayjay/penis. Whichever is applicable.

Writer’s note: the best friend

AND THEN IT TURNS INTO A CHATROOM:

A: Tsk tsk.. poor her..the facts about being fucking single

T: You know what that means, right? She’s a shoo-in for the immaculate concepcion sequel. Coming to theaters near you.

A: Erotic body turned holy..just perfectly sinful..Can that be a trilogy..next maybe is surrogacy..you know what they say about the essence of womanhood

T: Womanhood. The sister of Robinhood?

AND TO CONTINUE:

* I’m still single because I am too hot for you to handle – source: Miss Body Art 2004

* There are too many hot men around so why settle down now? Thinking of someone when you’re with another person is already considered cheating, so in order to not make a mistake, stay single

* “Ay dimalas”

Writer’s note: a response to the previous contribution. No English equivalent. Nothing in any language could portray the emotion behind that comment. Nothing.

* That I cannot do.

Writer’s note: the sister.

* Ummmmmmm next question please.

Writer’s note: the other sister

* Thank you for that wonderful question my darling daughter and only you can answer it.

Writer’s note: the mother.

* Honestly, I’m probably single because…I never forwarded those chain messages in 2008.

EPIC.

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Church Day

I have been going to church in Oslo every two weeks because I haven’t found any here in my area. I’m new here, barely 3 months. I could not even speak the language. Anyway, I’d like to believe I’m nourishing my soul. My mind is still at war as to where I stand with religion, so I shut it off when I’m at church. Moving on, I found a new friend here in my town, and she told me that there is a church that is quite near. I was excited to attend mass the following Sunday (because now I have an excuse to get out of the house.) What happened that Sunday was another series of events that, oh I don’t know, proved to me AGAIN that the world seems to pick me to be his favorite poke-toy.

I left the house around 10:45 to catch the 11:06 bus. I underestimated how slow I walk, and ended up running after the damned bus, my hair flying out of its bun, my jacket strangling me, and almost tripping on the sidewalk.

Out of breath and breathing heavily, I asked the driver if he stops at Holm. He does, and I got in. When I took out my card to pay, that was when I learned that buses in Norway don’t accept cards. You must have cash. Holy fuck. And the damned bus was already running. Panicking, I dug into my wallet and, thank you baby Jesus, I found the exact amount of coins.

When I got off at my stop, I knew I had to walk a bit before I get to the church. Problem is, I don’t know where that fuck it was. So I walked. And walked. And walked. And by the grace of God, it rained. Rain in 3 degrees Celsius in never a fun experience. And to add fireworks, I broke my umbrella. I didn’t know when the bus heading back would pass by, so my best option was to find the church so I could dry up and get warm. The world might have taken pity on me because just then, I saw a car with an Asian woman (I swear she was Filipina) drive by. I started to follow the car thinking (and hoping) that she is headed to church. And she was!

So I got inside the church, right? I was drier than earlier. I was warm. I was happy. And then the mass started – and it was in Norwegian. -_-

I did not understand a single word and almost burst out laughing because images of myself suddenly convulsing and passing out in a pool of my own blood kept going through my mind. HAHA And to add icing to the cake, I didn’t have any cash left. So guess who walked home for an hour?

Hallelujah, baby!

A Comedy From Birth

I have been saying this over and over again, my life is a comedy waiting to happen. I WAS WRONG. It was a damned comedy from birth, and my mom has proof.

Do you know that pregnant women get severe gas-pains and could sometimes be mistaken for labor pains by first-time mothers? When my mom was pregnant with me, she always had gas-pains (apparently, even back then I was full of hot air). One day, she felt a severe kind of pain, something different, and immediately told my dad. You know what his reply was? “I-utot lang na” in English “Just go ahead and fart.”

Now, that said “fart” is a 26-year old girl living in Norway, blumbing through life, wondering why the most inopportune moments just seem to happen to her with troubling regularity.  It started with the fart. My life is not a comedy waiting to happen. It IS a comedy right from the very damned fart. No, start. Ah shit. No! Scratch that. Oh fuck it.

Insta-Karma

So, I was arguing with a taxi driver yesterday. He refuses to take me to the place I requested because he said he has another passenger waiting for him – oh yeah, did I mention that I was already sitting inside his taxi and he has already asked me where we’re supposed to go, and that was when he conveniently remembered that he has another passenger waiting for him? Yes. Dickhead. So I was ranting. I was angry, and reasonably so! It was raining hard and the damned driver is being an asshole. Then, I decided to punctuate my tirade with a very loud door slam… and suddenly BOOOOOM!! 

A very loud thunder decided to synchronize itself with my slamming of the door and I quickly ducked (hey you can’t blame me for being scared of thunders!) That was supposed to be my dramatic exit. I just had to duck. 😐 Exit ruined. That’s karma for you, babe.

Fly Little Butterfly

So, I’m leaving for another country in 8 days. 8 FREAKING DAYS. And I am a mess. I have my bags all packed and ready, underwear, toiletries, everything.. I have everything ready. I’m not. I guess a lot of people have felt this way before. This is my first time moving away from home. I have never lived out of my parent’s house. A few of my friends have been living in apartments and surviving on their own for years. I have not. And now that I finally am moving away, I don’t do it half-assed. I just had to move to a foreign county. A country that doesn’t even speak English!

I do not know how to do this, and with that, I have been having anxiety attacks every few minutes! I see a damned plane on TV, my stomach does a tumble. My eyes swipe through a Thai Air website, my lunch goes up to my throat. My friends ask about my flight schedule, I almost faint! IS THIS EVEN NORMAL , DOC?? And the little voice inside my head replies, “You know it isn’t, sweets. Go see a shrink.”

I have been envisioning myself bawling my eyes out in the airport, begging my mom to let my stay. It’s as if she forced me to go away, yeah? HAHA I have been thinking of the numerous ways to dope myself during the flight just so I’d remain calm. But hey, I have to do this. I’m going to be OK. I’ll survive.

Yeah, I keep repeating that for maybe it might just come true. Have you ever wondered why fly rhymes with die? I might just be able to show you the reason why. Kill me noooooooooooow!!